My life of vocals

I started attempting to be a singer at the tender age of about, I don't know, three and a half seconds old. I think I was pretty good. I could definitely have been a death metal vocalist at that age, but I seem to have lost my touch.

Just kidding. But seriously, I think every single girl out there dreamed of being a music star at some age, usually pretty early on. My earliest memory of wanting to be a singer was at my 5th birthday party.  I had it at Sharkey's kids hair salon in Westport Connecticut and it was fabulous as fuck. I mean, I knew I was fabulous from the time I knew how to say the word "glitter." I took the liberty of going onto google images to find some pictures of the place. So many glittery, fabulous memories.

I mean, this was top-notch fabulosity. This was a hair cutting place. Now you can have an idea of what a glamorous child I was, not to mention how badly my mom wanted me to be one of those child pageant queens. ANYWAY, at this "glamour girl" party, after we ate fabulous cake and dressed in fabulous clothes, we had a fabulous kareoke session. That's the day I realized that I was completely, horrifically tone deaf. As a fresh, new five year old who didn't really know shit about music and half the time still slept in pull-ups, this didn't bother me in the least. However, as the years went on, I began to care more and more about my singing voice.

After many years of practicing my singing (in private), I stopped being entirely tone deaf. However, I couldn't exactly hit the notes very easily. I'd know exactly what note to hit, but my voice just didn't want to hit it. I also could not for the life of me do that fancy WOOOoooOOOOOooOOOO hitting-tons-of-different-notes-within-two-seconds-without-taking-a-breath thing. I was okay, but I also kinda sucked. I tried really hard to do all those fancy things with my voice, but to no avail. Instead, my life was kinda just like;

Until I was about twelve, that is. I got kinda good that year. I still couldn't do that fancy WOOOooooOWOOOOOOO thing that I mentioned earlier, but I had hit puberty. That meant that my voice was a lot richer and deeper and it just sounded nicer. It also meant that I had awkward boob nubbies and acne on absolutely everything. Let's not dwell on that though. 

Okay. We can dwell on it a little bit. 

Ha, haha, ha. Oh god. 

Anyway, then 8th grade happened. I say this because I have no explanation as to why the hell I suddenly got really, really good at vocals, so the only way I can say what happened is, "8th grade happened." I finally was able to do that WOOOooooooOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOOO thing. I learned how to scream, kinda. I don't think I'll ever be able to do a death metal growl, only because I'm a lady and my voice can only go so deep. I really do wish I was able to, though. Then I could go in public and scare the actual fuck out of everybody who passes by me. I'd be all like, lol I'm just a tiny little 5'2 teenager girl and people would be like lol I'm just walkin past this tiny little teenager girl and I'd be all like hello random pedestrian nothing unusual here I'm just a polite little teenager girl and they'd be all like hello little teenager girl and then I'd be all like FUCKING DEATH I'LL MURDER YOUR FAMILY WITH MY FAT BLACK DICK UP YOUR BELLYBUTTON AFTER I DINE ON UNBORN FETUSES WITH UNICORN BLOOD AS BARBECUE SAUCE

Anywho, I guess I'm also the lead vocalist in a band now. I'm pretty happy about that, because I'll get to be all musical with some of my besties and that'll be fun. I mean, as long as I don't have to do death metal growls.