Holy sh*t ew

So as most of you know, I've been stretching my ears since around the end of January. I've wanted stretched ears (plugs, tunnels, those types of things) for a really long time, so I was really excited to finally be able to do that.

From the beginning, I wasn't very careful about stretching them. I'm not careful about anything, and that's a legitimate problem. I immediately went from a 16-14g to a 10g. Just for reference...
 this is a 16g:

And this is a 10g:

It may not look like that big of a stretch, but that's skipping three fucking sizes, and my ears bled like a virgin bride. It really hurt and I didn't clean anything. How my ears survived that, I do not know. 

After that, I stretched my ears less stupidly, but still pretty stupidly. I never cleaned my ears, which is like the equivalent of taking a shit and not wiping your ass afterwards. The thing is, my body has, like, magical healing powers. I've pierced my ears several times without cleaning the needle or my ear, and I never had  a problem at all. Essentially, I was being a stubborn little shit because my ears hadn't imploded in on themselves yet.

So last saturday, I decided I wanted to stretch my ears from a 4g to a 2g. 

4g:

 2g:

However, in all my stupidity, I only have one taper (big spikey thing as depicted in the pictures above) in each size, so I can only stretch one ear at a time. I decided to stretch my left ear, as it's usually my more lenient ear anyway. So, on saturday morning, I took my germ covered, nasty 2g taper, covered it in nasty ass burt's bees hand salve, and stuck it in my unwashed, shitty ear. It hurt like an actual bitch. It felt like how I'm pretty sure it would feel to have a large black cock in your ass without lube for your first experience with buttsex. 

What I'm trying to depict is that it hurt. However, I wasn't worried. Stretching your ears does hurt quite a bit, but the pain usually goes away after an hour tops. That's why I was a little bit concerned when, at ten PM that night, my ear was still really sore and throbbing as if it had its own cardiovascular system. I still didn't do anything about it of course. I was just too stubborn and, to put it eloquently, stupid, to do that.

The next day, my ear was still really red and it hurt pretty bad. But the thing is, it didn't look gross. It was just a little swollen. There was no crusty shit or blood or anything. I took that as a good sign. I should not have done that.

Throughout sunday, I kept trying to move around the taper that was in my ear. Usually, after your ears calm down a bit after they're stretched, the taper will start to fit more and you can kinda twist it around and pull on it and stuff. I couldn't do that at all. My ear was so swollen, I couldn't move the taper around at all. My earlobe had a death grip on it. If I tried to push on the front of the taper a little to see if it would slide through my ear, everything would just be like 

NO

STAHP

WAT R U DOIN

U NO DO DAT

STAAHHPP

*THROB THROB THROB*

Despite this, I still thought my ear would be fine. I kept the taper in my ear, even though it was über painful and swollen to the point where it appeared that I'd been attacked by a really big, angry bee that particularly despised earlobes. 

That night, I couldn't sleep, because my ear hurt so bad. It was getting numb and only more swollen. Finally, I begrudgingly stomped over into my bathroom and sat on the countertop in front of the mirror. My plan was to take out the 2g taper, put back in a 4g plug, and try again later. My ear had other plans.

As I mentioned earlier, I could not move around the taper. My ear had clamped down on it because of the swelling and I could barely touch it without spiraling into a fit of owwy-induced rage. Now, prior to the actual attempt to remove the taper, I thought once I got it out of my ear, my earlobe would just be red and swollen for a while. I WAS SO WRONG. SO VERY, VERY WRONG.

After a good minute or two of wiggling the taper around in a sad attempt to loosen it up, I finally got it to scoot forward in my ear a bit. I would feel accomplished about this, if not for the sickening tidal wave of pink, bloody puss that immediately began to pour from my ear. My earlobe was doing its best impression of what happens when you stab an elephant in the jugular with a carton of milk and I did not appreciate it. And, by "did not appreciate it," I mean I was freaking the fuck out because I was rapidly losing a lot of blood and it hurt and there was puss everywhere and I was entirely convinced in that moment that I was going to have to amputate my own ear. 

It was horrifying. I ran to my kitchen, got our bottle of hydrogen peroxide (why we keep hydrogen peroxide in the kitchen, I do not know) and ran back to my bathroom, immediately soaking my ear in the stuff. It started fizzing on my ear, which is hydrogen-peroxidian for you done fucked up.

After around an hour of nursing my poor, infected ear in hydrogen peroxide, I was still bleeding, but it felt a little better because I didn't have a huge ass piece of oddly shaped acrylic jewelry in it. 

As of today, two days later, my ear has closed up almost entirely. It still hurts a bit, and it's all scabby and gross. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to re-pierce it and start all over. But, I am not discouraged in the least. In fact, I'm actually kinda excited. I now have proof that I am a superhuman, because I fought off a major infection with my own immune system, some chemicals, and nothing else. I am invincible. Fuck you, inevitable pandemic that will one day wipe out humanity, I survived an earlobe infection. You can't fuck me up.

But for realsies, the moral of this post is:

Because when you don't clean stuff, especially when engaging in the body modifications, you're gonna get poked right in the butthole with a two-by-four.

Stick-and-poke tattoos

If you've never heard of an S&P tattoo, no worries, because you've probably already heard of "prison tattoos," which are the exact same thing. It's basically the single most retarded and unsanitary thing you could ever possibly do to yourself; that might be why I have three of them.


TATTOO #1- HEART, OUTER WRIST/FOREARM (LEFT)

This was my first one, and I did it several months ago...and it's still there. I mean, that's how tattoos work. They don't go away.

TATTOO #2- CONSTELLATION TRIANGLE, INNER WRIST (LEFT)

I did this one around the same time as the first one. I wasn't even thinking when I did this one. I was kinda just stabbing myself with a bunch of ink in a triangular pattern and it's still there. It's a tattoo so it will be there forever, too.

TATTOO #3- 8TH NOTE (LE INNER RIGHT FOOT)

This one just happened to be ridiculously painful. Not in an agonizing way, but in a way that felt like constant bee stings, reason being that the skin on your inner foot is extremely thin. Therefor, your nerves are right there, so each time you stab the ink in....it feels exactly like how it sounds.

So each one of these has its own specific meaning to me, which I won't get into because you didn't come to this blog to feel feels, you came here either to laugh with me or laugh at me. I'm cool with either one.

MATERIALS NEEDED FOR THIS ABSOLUTELY RETARDED MODIFICATION:

-A thin needle

-Ink of some sort

-Skin

-A relatively high pain tolerance

-Patience

HOW TO TATTOO YOURSELF LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT USING SAID MATERIALS:

-Decide what design you want to permanently inflict upon yourself and in what spot

-Dip needle into ink

-Stab yourself a lot until desired shape/design is achieved

-Look in the mirror and shame yourself for being a delinquent because this is a really stupid thing to do and nobody should be as stupid as I am

-Most likely die from the ink poisoning or infection that you'll get from doing this


DISCLAIMER: Seriously, don't do this. If you want a tattoo, go see a professional. I plan on becoming a tattoo artist when I'm an adult, but for now, I'm left to my own devices and I just happen to be a stupid rebel with a high pain tolerance and a decent immune system. If I see you walking around with a stick and poke tattoo after reading this post, I will throw you off a bridge for being so stupid. 
-end of hypocritical rant-

I'm on drugs!

And by drugs, I mean a shit ton of novocaine.

I just got back from the dentist, where I got a cavity filled for the first time in my life. Most people get their first cavity around 6 or 7. Motherfucker, I'm well into high school, and for glob knows why, just two select teeth decided to sabotage my perfect smile and get holes in themselves. All my other teeth are white and healthy, but these two god damn teeth SUCK BALLS and broke my unbroken record of never having any sort of dental issues, EVER. But it was fate; I was told that I had two cavities, one on each side of my mouth.

I didn't really know what to expect earlier today when I went in to get the cavity on the left side of my face filled. I wasn't expecting anything, actually. I've always been good with the dentist. But nobody told me that when you get a cavity filled, THEY STICK A GARGANTUAN FUCKING NEEDLE INTO YOUR FACE.

NOT FUN

NOPE

SO MUCH NOPE

JUST GOT ON THE NOPE O'CLOCK TRAIN TO NOPEVILLE

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME FRIES WITH THAT NOPE?


Basically, it hurt really bad for like 10 seconds. Then it was all tingly and then it was really numb. Then they filled the cavity, which sounded and appeared to be the most barbaric, torturous event in all human history. However, I couldn't feel anything, and the dentists were actually pretty nice and peppy. It was almost as if they weren't carnivorously drilling into the very core of my being.

As I write this, the novocaine in that damn shot hasn't worn off yet, and it's been several hours. I took a little video of myself for you guys, so you can fully grasp the concept of how facially impaired I am. I can feel absolutely nothing from the middle of my chin, up my entire cheek and jawline, all the way to my ear. You could punch me in the left side of my face as hard as you possibly could, and I would feel nothing. I've actually been slapping myself really hard for the past 2 hours, and it's hilarious to see the look on other people's faces when they see a girl violently abusing her face with seemingly no remorse nor pain of any sort, for absolutely no apparent reason.

My un-skills

I have many of what I like to call un-skills.

Un-skill (noun)- the opposite of a skill. A particular activity that an individual is particularly horrible at. (ex.) An un-skill that I possess is dancing; when I attempt to do so, I resemble like a constipated gorilla having a seizure. 

Now that we have the definition of this term, I'd like to share with you some of my un-skills.

DANCING.
As depicted in the picture above. Not much else to say. If you want to preserve your eyesight, never watch me dance. Ever. 

SYMPATHY.
Not to be confused with empathy, which is just understanding what others feel. I'm talking about making people feel better by pitying them. I'll know what you're feeling, but I have this logic that if I give you an awkward bro-hug and offer to buy you a bag of chips, everything will suddenly get better. If you want somebody to understand your feels and then say the right things to stop making you feel those feels, I'm the wrong person to hang out with. If chips and netflix make you feel better, we should be friends.

ROMANCE.
I can't even tell you how bad I am at showing any type of lovey-dovey affection. I can't be cutesie-ish with any kind of significant other that I have. I'm the type of girlfriend that punches you in the arm and demands piggy back rides and probably bites you a lot and calls you a little bitch. I mean, that's how I say I love you. With force.

DRIVING.
I don't have a permit or a license. Rightfully so. I don't want one, because I know if I had one, I would cause some sort of road-rage induced apocalypse because I can't tell the difference between the break pedal and the gas pedal and turning a car even in an empty parking lot results in a requirement for getting the car checked out to make sure I didn't horribly fuck anything up.

WAKING UP.
I can't even.
I, just...
I shouldn't even have to explain this.

PAYING ATTENTION
A combination of ADD, boredom, not at all being interested in anything besides certain bands/types of badass science that will provide me with the ability to be a magician, and mild narcolepsy assures that I fall asleep when doing anything. ANYTHING.