Me, from the point of view of my dad.

I have been experiencing a dilemma lately...
I am almost 100% sure my parents are completely convinced that I've chosen the life path of a Satan Worshipper. I feel kinda sorry for my dad.

Picture this:
You are sitting at your kitchen counter, setting up meetings on your computer, as you work from home. As a 40 year old man with a relatively stable job, a wife, and two kids, you're feeling rather proud of how nothing turned out too horribly fucked up.

Then your teenage daughter walks into the door, blasting her satanic black metal from headphones that she probably shoplifted. She's just arriving home from a most likely very unproductive day at school. She slams the front door behind her, throws her school bags onto the floor, quickly says hello to you, and runs to her room. After all, she does have social anxiety, and if she looks at you for too long she'll have a panic attack and probably start screaming.

"Naw, fuck. I forgot about that girl", you think to yourself.

Hours go by. Slowly, with the girl secluded in her room, you begin to feel secure about your life again.

Then, suddenly, your daughter appears again. She's clothed in so many too-big sweaters, she looks like an obese, mildly retarded oompa loompa.

DAD, I'M HUNGRY! she screeches in her voice that's been just barely tainted with a Long Island accent. She gets that from her mother.

Oh god, she's left her bedroom door open. You know exactly what that means. Now you can hear those dirty old men, screaming about the devil and blood and sex and tattoos. Why does she idolize those people? Ska is so much better anyway. But, for some reason, she always has loud, obnoxious music blasting from her room. It quite literally never stops. Even when she's sleeping, if you sneak into her room and turn it off, she will wake up as soon as it stops and verbally beat the shit out of you.

Locks of her perpetually color changing hair peek out from under her beanie. Why does that beanie always smell like pot? Why does she always smell like pot?

After you've watched the young girl go through your entire food supply, picking out all the things that look edible to her, she slithers back into her lair. After all, dangerous animals usually don't bite unless they are provoked.

Yep. I have a Satan Worshipper for a daughter. You've accepted the fact. You begin to look back on past conversations you've had with her. You recall her wanting to be a tattoo artist, a death metal vocalist, an astronaut, and a unicorn. You can't seem to remember her ever saying she wanted to join a satanic cult, but hey, the girl is good at keeping secrets. You shudder at the thought of that one secret she kept from you- the one that involved her dating a kid almost five years older than her.

You stare at the laminate countertops in your kitchen, the nicely painted walls, and the relatively nice furniture you have in your home. With your eyes half closed, you wonder where the fuck you went wrong while raising that girl. What a hilariously dysfunctional family you have.