So I'm negative

So I've been talking with my therapist lately. She's been telling me that I'm too negative. Well, lemme tell you something.
.
.
You're damn right I'm too negative. That's just me.

First off- I absolutely hate people. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about positive vibes and meditation and having good friends and all that pussy shit, but I just genuinely hate people, aside from everything else. I can't stand large groups. Everybody smells like shit. People don't know how to control their damn volume. Hasn't anybody heard the term "inside voices?" Hasn't anybody heard the term deodorant?! I hate the smell of other people. Even if it's not particularly bad- it just disgusts me.

Hating things just comes naturally to me. If I see something, the first thing I do is try to find out the positive aspects of said thing. However, the problem with that is, finding good things is very difficult for me. If you're my friend, consider yourself a wizard, because it's seriously some sort of black magic that takes place when my brain decides to let me like things. I'm gonna list some things that I like:

-black

-music, specifically grunge, nu metal, progressive death metal, and psychedelic rock

-my like 5 friends

-rain

-trees

-Westport Beach (at any time other than summer, by myself)

-my piano

-sleeping

-carbs

And that's pretty much it. Other than that, I suppose I can find joy in things, but eventually it'll start majorly pissing me off and I'll start to hate it until further notice.

I do like things, I swear. I'm just not good at showing it. I think sometimes it might be somewhat difficult to be able to tell whether or not I like you. Wanna know how I like you? Look- if I talk to you, I like you. It's as simple as that. I don't talk to people who I don't think are worth my time. Sometimes I appear shy in public, but anybody who really knows me knows that on the inside, I'm really just like:

I believe this ego is part of being a negative person at heart. Contrary to your average teenager's view of their own self as a fat ugly monster that nobody will ever love even if, in reality, they're freaking gorgeous, I'm the opposite. I know my own level of intelligence, and if I believe somebody is too severely below that level (unfortunately, meaning about 3/4ths of my generation) they're simply not worth my time. If you think the sun is a sun and not a star or something else of that degree of idiocy, I refuse to look further into your being and you've lost your chance to prove yourself to me as an adequate human being, and I will kindly ask you to stop hogging my oxygen. 

So this has been a rather egotistical post. You know what? Good. I'm feeling bitchy today. Fuck all y'all, I'm a classy lady. Good day.

Achieving natural beauty

So, as a teenage girl in this day and age, I know first hand how much pressure there is on girls to be perfect. However, what I think people need to understand is that being fake is not attractive. Starving yourself, putting on tons of makeup, and all that nasty jazz, just lowers self esteem and makes you seem desperate. Today, I'll be giving you a tutorial on how to edit your pictures on a minimal scale, just to add some natural glamour and pizzaz to your appearance. Remember, start with a picture of you in a normal state. We're going for natural, but beautiful.

I'm going to start with this picture of me that I took a little while back.

 As you can see in this picture, I'm not wearing much makeup. My hair isn't quite done. I obviously am not the thinnest person ever. But that's the point- we're just enhancing those natural qualities!

So here in this next picture, I added a teensy bit of light pink blush to my cheeks for a sweet, colored look.

Then, I remembered that, naturally, I blush very easily. So, I thought it only necessary to add a tiny bit more blush.

Just enough blush to make it barely noticeable. We're going for natural.

Now, here's where I took the reshaping tool on my computer and slimmed down my jawline a little bit. Naturally, I have a very defined jawline, and we're just making it a little more feminine. Not too small, just perfect!

There we go! What a beautiful face shape we have here. And that's all we need to do for the shape of the face; natural beauty at its finest.

Now, I zoomed in on the middle of my face, just to re-shape some features, such as my nose. Here, you can see I just went over the outline of my nose to slim it down.

Gotta make the nose relatively the same shape all the way through, in a straight line; nobody with natural beauty has those perfect curves and edges on their nose. See? You can barely tell the photo's been edited, yet it's already ten times better.

So here's where I started playing with the eyes a bit. I added some black eyeshadow, to give my eyes a more deep-set and dreamy look. I then added a bit of eyeliner, just to bring out the natural color of my eyes.

Speaking of the natural color of my eyes, I actually have a rare genetic mutation called Heterochromia. This means that my eyes have two different colors in them; I personally have grayish blue on the outer parts of my eye, and then a band of amber near my pupil. I don't want to keep this, because as it's a very rare mutation, and it I were to keep those two different colors, people might think this picture is photoshopped. Therefor, I went ahead and made my eyes a more believable green color through and through. I then added some eyebrows. I purposefully made them rather thick, because we're going for a natural look, and I naturally have very thick eyebrows.

Now just look at that! Can you even tell I added a few things?

Now here, I added a very light, natural pink tint to my lips. Nothing too bold or obvious.

Then I added a complimenting lip liner, to bring out the true, defined shape of my lips.

As a white ass bitch, I also have very thin lips, so I plumped them up a bit, making sure to stick to the theme of being natural.

Almost done!

All I did here was slim down my shoulders to make myself look a bit smaller....and we're done!!!

*Note:
This post is to make a point. All this photoshopped shit in the media advertising a fake ideal of beauty is bullshit. You're fucking gorgeous no matter what you do with your face and body. Go outside wearing no makeup. Go outside wearing shit tons of glittery, colorful eyeshadow. Do whatever makes you happy. Do not, under any circumstances, live to please other people; live to please yourself, despite anything popular and "normal." Screw that shit. You're fucking awesome.

SO EXCITED OMFGFPHIQRBFGIOQR376EFGUOEH

HEY
YOU
PERSON
DO YOU SEE THIS FACE
THIS FACE RIGHT HERE

THAT FACE
WHICH HAPPENS TO BELONG TO ME
IS GONNA BE UP HERE IN LIKE TWO MONTHS

SO EXCITED
SO VERY EXCITED

IMAGINE IT

Okay. Let me explain.

As I'm sure is relatively well known, I am a pretty dedicated musician. I've been playing piano since I was about six and I also play a succession of other instruments, although piano is my main bitch. Recently, I've been getting over my crippling, vomit-inducing fear of singing in front of any other organism with the ability to hear sounds. So far, it's been going pretty well, and apparently I have a pretty decent voice. So, around a month ago, I heard about this cool little thing called Music Garage. It actually sounded kinda lame at first, because I only heard the radio ad for it. However, my dad was all like OMFG YOU GOTTA GO AND DO THAT SHIT, so I went and did that shit.

After we got home, my dad went and emailed the main dude at Music Garage. I didn't really do anything, because I wasn't that into it. I mean, I had no idea what it was anyway, so naturally, I was not able to give a damn. My dad soon told me that I'd be having an audition for Music Garage the following thursday. At first, I was kinda not very excited. My logic was that it would've been like an audition to be in a classical piano recital; those are the only kinds of auditions I'd ever been to. I thought I was gonna have to sit down at the piano and play them something all by myself while there were nasty judges, you know, judging me.

It was not like that at all.

The Music Garage was basically just a studio. The only real lights were colorful spot lights facing a little stage. The walls, floors, and ceilings were all black, there were posters all over the walls, and all that nice stuff. There was nothing professional about it. It was AWESOME. 

For the audition, all the other kids were in the back of the room eating pizza and casually talking. The only people who were "judging" were the directors of the thing. One of them was this big dude who was just standing there jamming, and the other was this skinny tall dude with really long hair who was also standing there just kinda headbanging. I had to play keyboards and sing, with a band. I guess I did pretty well, because I got chosen to be in the core band.

Essentially, shit tons of people auditioned, just to be in normal Music Garage. It was also pretty much an audition to be in the core band for Mountain Town Music. The core band is this thing that Mountain Town Music was paying Music Garage to organize. Basically, they wanted a band that could perform all around the Park City/Salt Lake City area. They wanted really good rock band, all teens, of four or five people; and they're paying a thousand dollars per kid in the band. I GOT CHOSEN TO BE THE LEAD VOCALIST AND KEYBOARD PERSON. I NOW HAVE A NET WORTH OF AT LEAST ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. 

This, my friends, is also technically a scholarship. To be in regular Music Garage, if you make it in, you still have to pay a shit ton of money. But, because I'm in the core band, I'm being paid for. And I get to be in a badass band. I may be the only girl in the band, but I'm super good friends with all the other dudes in it, so I can't wait.

We've already been scheduled to play at like twelve different concerts and venues over the summer, one of them being Deer Valley Ski Resort. So, if you ever feel the need to go to one of their free concerts over the summer, I'm gonna be there, and I encourage you to throw food at us while we're playing. That's always been a dream of mine.

April polls

Happy May!

Ah, once again we have seen another month pass. I, personally, think April is one of my least favorite months. It's like, the weather is still not at all consistent here in Park City; sometimes it's seventy degrees out with 2% humidity, and then when you wake up the next morning there's icicles hanging from your nostrils and a foot of snow is waiting outside for you to angrily stare at from your window. At least we had this month's poll to keep our spirits up (or at least above the point at which somebody commits mass homicide).

In regards to the majority, I'm rather pleased. However, I just want to make sure people took the following into consideration when they decided the most desirable choice was to where a hideous sweater forever: you have to wear it when you shower, when you have sex, when you go to the club, when you get married, when you go swimming, when you get married, when you go in for a job interview, when you're taking nudes for your significant other, at your high school and college graduation, and at your funeral. You can never take it off. EVER.

Now, I find it rather thought-provoking that the next most popular choice was "to be fisted." I should've put down "anally, without lube." Like, seriously? You would rather be violently butt punched, therefor impairing your walking and shitting abilities for weeks, than eat a nasty old fish? Huh. Interesting.

To the five people who chose "chew glass," do you know how fucking bad that would hurt? Like, you gotta chew that shit. You'd most likely require some degree of surgery to replace your teeth and remove the shards of glass from your flesh and tongue. 

One person chose to constantly pee their pants; this is the one I would've chosen. I mean, you could just wear a diaper all the time and only have the sexy times with individuals with a pee fetish. 

One psychopath chose to eat a live baby. Hmmm.

Prison letters

So, as I've mentioned in past posts, I'm pretty close with my poppop (grandfather). I always have been. And, when I hit the age of about eight or nine, my dearest poppop decided in all his hardly elderly wisdom that I was no longer a child worthy of kootchy-kootchy belly tickles and colorful propeller hats. No sir, at that point, I was officially declared a young adult, fully mentally capable of maturely handling all of his teachings of profanities and psychological warfare techniques. By that, I mean he taught me almost all of the curse words I know, began taking me to serious operas and symphony concerts when I was about six, and comedically taught me all about my Jewish-Russian heritage. This is the man who taught me to never let anybody step on me, to kiss no asses, to put myself first, and to assert all of these mannerisms with the utmost amount of class.
He also taught me that chocolate is the most important food group and that there is no such thing as "too young to watch The Simpsons." Currently, I'm receiving vast amounts of knowledge pertaining to my ancestry on his side of our family.

YAY JEWISH-RUSSIAN GREAT-GREAT GRANDPARENTS

Anywho.

Recently, my poppop thought it best that I finally read all the letters that he sent my uncle Howie over a 2 year time span, when poor Howzy was sent to prison. My uncle was in prison at the turn of the millennium, which was right around when I was born! So recently, he scanned all the letters, and sent them to me via interwebs.

In total, I believe there are around 76 letters, which I promptly read all in one night. I will be sharing with you a few of my favorite passages from these letters, just so you can get a sense of what my family is truly like. (note; do go ahead and click on the screenshots in order to make them bigger, for your viewing pleasure. I realize they're kinda small as fuck.)

(note once more; I did, in fact, get my poppop's permission to share with you all these wonderful examples of family hilarity. Enjoy yourself.)

This particular passage was from a letter that my poppop sent just a few days after I was born. He hadn't even met me yet. Apparently, my great-great grandfather would not have approved of my new-age name. "Yetta" apparently would have been more adequate.

This legitimately made me laugh so hard I pulled a muscle.

Isn't it interesting to hear about yourself from another person's point of view?

Prostate exams. 

Describing my beloved grandma.

Once again, depicting a typical television-viewing session with le grandma.

Our family religious views. This man confirmed my atheism by the time I stopped shitting in my pants three times a day.

So there ya go; I hope you enjoyed these passages as much as I did. Honestly, reading these makes me really happy because my poppop is like me best friend/partner in crime and knowing I inherited his sense of humor does most certainly make me a happy little chicken. 

I'll be seeyin' ya.

Core testing? Yeah, f*ck that

As you all know, April will be ending in 3 days. As I'm assuming most of you know, May comes after April. This means that we have about a month left of school. Now, that in itself is both awesome and stressful. It's absolutely great, for obvious reasons. However, it's also kinda shitty because that means I'll have to do shit with my life over the summer. This consists of several things I don't want to do. Getting out of the house to hang out with people so my parents don't physically pick me up by my shirt collar and throw me out of the house to get some fresh air is one of those things. Going outside in hot weather is another one of those things. Staying inside in hot weather is yet another one of those things. Shaving my legs is definitely one of those things.
I hate shaving my legs. I live in a townhouse complex, so we share hot water with like 3 other families. This means I only have about 10 minutes of hot water per shower. I don't have fuckin' time to shave my legs.

One thing I'm particularly dreading is the looming shadow of our last barration of testing in every single class. First off, I'm not the best student ever. My problem is that I don't see the point of going through the whole education system after about 7th grade. When you hit 8th grade, school entirely drops the concept of "learning" and becomes strictly a means of forcing unnecessary discipline upon hormonal, rebellious teenagers. I, personally, think that's a bunch of bullshit.

Not only are we getting stupid amounts of discipline, but it's stressful as fuck too. I mean, I know I'm getting rant-ish, but why do I need to learn about quadratic equations and the structure of a prokaryotic cell, be judged on my knowledge of such bullshit, and then have my life quality determined on how well I can recite said bullshit?

Can you tell that I'm pissed?

Anyway, as for the core tests; I'm gonna fucking fail those. What really sucks ass about that is how much I study for these damn tests. And yet, no matter how much I cram, the geography test is still like "what species of carnivorous, iron-clad martian is located exactly 6,903 meters below the earth's surface?" and the math test is like "count the circumference of every single one of your arm hairs, then with the average of this number, teach a hermit crab how to do the hokey-pokey."

I don't even really know what this post is about anymore, so I'm just gonna rant about stuff that really butters my moustache.

When my hair is all tangled when I get out of the shower. That butters my moustache.

When my sock starts coming off my foot when I'm wearing shoes. That sure does butter my moustache.

When my unibrow starts growing back after I attempt to take care of it. That really butters my moustache.

When my pot dealer laces my weed with street grade cocaine and meth amphetamines. That damn well butters my moustache.

When I get butter in my moustache. That butters my moustache.

I don't know what this post is about anymore...yay!

Why I hate people- 100th post!

Congratulations, self! This is my 100th post on this blog. Thank you all for your passive but apparent obsessions with all my posts, yeah, don't think I can't tell what you people go batshit crazy for.

In celebration of me hitting 100 posts, here's some of the reasons why I despise most humans.
BACKGROUND INFORMATION: I really hate people. I have like ten individuals in the entire world that I can hang out with for more than an hour without wanting to aggressively scrub myself clean afterwards. I'm a huge introvert and I most likely wouldn't have any sort of problem just sitting in my room by myself forever. Don't take any of these reasons as me being all depressing; I personally quite adore my own personality, and writing this post is going to be fun.

Reason #1: My interests differ greatly from the vast majority of America
If you know me, even in the least, you probably know that I am not very good at fitting into my own generation. While everybody else is swagging along, their pants down to their ankles, I'm still extremely emotionally attached to Seether and Nirvana and basically the entire grunge movement. If you try to strike a conversation with me, be prepared to discuss Corey Taylor's penis and such things. And that's exactly the problem. Nobody is prepared for that shit.

Reason #2: I have major social anxiety
I can't be around large groups of people ("large groups of people" being "any number of people") for more than a few hours, tops. I'm only even able to last a few hours if I keep interaction to a minimum, and the only time I expose myself to people for that long is in school. Otherwise, I start flipping my shit. I can't explain why. It's just a thing that happens. Like breathing. Or periods. Basically, in order to keep from being sent to a mental hospital, I spend the majority of my time by myself.

Reason #3: I'm ridiculously sensitive to vibes
Even if I do want to go out one day (which is just about as common as finding a guy with a huge dick who also rubs your back and makes you delicious food) one thing that deters me from doing so is that the outside world is so negative. Think I'm a downer? Try meditating, feeling all happy, then going outside and being able to physically feel the literal cloud of negativity just floating in the air. I wasn't made for this society, with our stupid businesses and stupid everything else. Y'all need to chill.

Reason #4: I'm very awkward
Yeah, I bet you never would've guessed! I'm one of the strangest people on the planet. I tend to make really horrifying faces in any everyday situation and that scares people. But, I mean, that's just how I communicate. I'm also not completely in touch with social norms. I'm a little socially impaired.
Some of the faces I make on a regular basis:

And that, friends, is why I have no friends.